my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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