my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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