Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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