I want to make a zoo with you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's shark week go big or go home
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
