Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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