If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
how drunk are you?
Several
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
