im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
