hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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