Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize