he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
