im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
