that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
