i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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