New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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