member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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