so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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