Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
