i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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