i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
