Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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