My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
