I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
