sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
