My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
