apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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