Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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