sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
