I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
