just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
40s are totally the cure
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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