the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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