2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
