I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
third nipple confirmed
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
