I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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