new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
