non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
