Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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