i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
