So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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