got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
