it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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