I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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