I think my fart just growled at me.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
