Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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