drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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