Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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