It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
