hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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