Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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