oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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