Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
