i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
