you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
