doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
