Your mouth is God's brothel.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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