If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
