if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
