last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
