I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
