you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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