You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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